The last time

The eastern half of Connecticut is mostly farms, small towns, and stony beaches on the Long Island Sound. I grew up in the very southeastern corner of the state, with the ocean a few miles to the south and Rhode Island a few miles to the east.
Does that mean they will never meet again? If that's what it really means, then I'll be really sad.Most of the people I asked said that it means they will never see each other again.Only one person said that it might mean that will see each other in the future.Hmm.... It reminds me of Nobuta wo Produce when Akira/Yamapi said that you will sometimes meet really nice people in the future and then never see them again later... or it was something like that. It was like he was trying to relate it to gophers or moles and how when they are digging tunnels and meet the gopher or mole of the opposite sex, they mate. Hmm... how should I put this. I guess what he was trying to say was that life was like a whole bunch of tunnels and sometimes you will meet people as you keep diggin your tunnel and never see them again. Other times you might meet the same people nice or mean as you dig your tunnel. Eh? Hmm... I need to rewatch that episode or something.I wish I could be like Yano and cut off all ties with his past. Well, he didn't really do that, but I want to throw away my past even the things and people dearest to me and just start over. That's why.... I want to go somewhere where no one knows who I am. I want to run away as far as I can. If I had been given a large amount of money and had to use it (though I doubt that will happen with the whole economic crisis happening now), I would run away... as far as I can go. I want to just be somewhere else. I want to go to a place where I can start all over.... but even when I say all these things, I know it won't happen at least not anytime soon. I want to bury and trample over everything in the past, but I know that's not possible. My past has already become a part of me. But still... even someone like me can still dream right?


It’s a small town named Stonington, filled with people I like to think of as “blindfolded liberals” – they’re progressive in theory, as long as they don’t have to see a liberal society themselves. They aren’t racist, but they only know white people; they’re cool with abortion rights as long as you don’t talk about it; and they’re fine with gay people, as long as it’s not their kid. I came home for a university break in 2007, which ended up being my last visit home before I started coming out to people. We went out for dinner one night at a new restaurant in town – me, my mom, my dad, and my eighteen-year-old sister. Suddenly my dad started asking me about how things were going with “girls at school,” a subject that I obviously had pretty little to talk about.
The beautiful thing about a new sports year is that it gives us another chance to appreciate all of the same old things. So here is 2009 coming right at you, and it's a whole new chance to:
-- Moan about the absurdity of the college bowl season.
-- Go out of our minds trying to avoid the Super Bowl hype.
-- Complain about how much money the New York Yankees spent.
-- Fill out tournament brackets and watch the team you decided would be upset in the first round go all the way to the national championship game.
-- Learn the names of every college offensive lineman likely to go in the top five rounds of the NFL Draft.
-- Marvel at the how long the NBA playoffs last.
-- Turn off the television when a golf tournament is on and Tiger Woods is not playing in it.
-- Spend half the evening trying to find the channel that has the hockey game on.
-- Enjoy the anniversaries: The unveiling of the Eiffel Tower (100 years ago), the amazing Yankees-Red Sox pennant race in the summer of '49; the first Daytona 500 and Jack Nicklaus's first U.S. Amateur title (50 years ago); the Miracle Mets (40 years ago), the Year of Pittsburgh (30 years ago, the Pirates and Steelers won and "The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh" hit theaters) and my high school graduation (25 years ago -- there is no way).
It’s officially 2009! For New Year’s we went to a party slash Birthday party for our friend Jon. We played numerous games, and i think my favourite one was Sheraids. There were a variety of different snacks there, but my favourite was the cupcake cake we brought. I made sure not to eat Supper, had a late lunch, just to make certain I wouldn’t gain too much weight snacking late at night. I think it worked too. We’ll find out later in the morning though it’s 3:30am right now. I just finished posting the pictures I took at the party onto Facebook, when I noticed I had an email letting me know my cousin had commented on a photo of mine. This is a picture of my cousins on my Dad’s side and me. This was pretty much the last time I saw them, 1990, until I met Jeff and were invited to Andrew and Marie’s wedding in I believe 2003. Tonight, I was thinking a lot about them and most of all of my Dad. Why? Who knows! But tonight I cried. Missing him. There will always be a void there I think on this earth. No one else can replace your flesh and bones, your genes, your dna. My Dad holds a special part in my heart. And now that I miss him that part of my heart aches. throbs. and this is probably because it is empty. Because it is reserved for him. Although, this is stressful just thinking about, because I don’t know him, nor he I. So even if we were to meet up sometime, how would that work? What would we talk about? Would he be talkative? Would I? Would it be awkard? Hell ya! So I cry.thinking. acheing. longing. my heart throbbing. to be held. but honestly i can never have that hug ever! You know that hug I’m talking about? Maybe you experienced it as a child maybe you didn’t. The hug where the Father hugs his daughter, or even dances with her, calls her his princess and holds her, laughing with her. and then dancing with her at her wedding. Secretly that’s why there was no dancing at my wedding, but our excuse was that Jeff doesn’t like to dance, which is true, but I love to dance! I wonder if my Dad does too. haha most likely not. but i’m sure I could get him dancing. Line dancing at least. because I’m sure he likes country music, who doesn’t? ha. Jeff doesn’t. hmmm…It’s a hard time for me right now. Have no idea why! But I’m sure you have days such as these as well? What do you do? When you feel something is missing in your life that can never be replaced? Can never be remembered, and can never be known?? Do you just grow-up? Do you forget about being that lost child forever? Do you just run into the arms of our Heavenly Father, hoping you can let Him fill that void? Afraid to lose that which you so longingly want to fill it, be forgotten forever? I don’t want to forget the times I had with my Dad. The shoulder rides, carried 6 feet high up in the air on his strong shoulders when I was 3 years old, through the skinny apartment building’s staircase

We (the dive master and the two other intro divers in our group) suited up -- including those smexy stinger suits once more -- and jumped in. The air tank, which I had had to balance carefully on my back while on the boat so as not to allow its weight to affect me, suddenly became weightless in the water. That was the last time I thought about it being on my back until we were above the surface again. We immediately did a test of the big three skills at about 1m under. Taking the regulator out, even at that shallow depth, was strange... but I remembered my bubbles and to blow the water out of the regulator when replacing it. Clearing the mask wasn't a problem, and equalizing my ears was easy too since there was hardly any pressure at that point. As we started to go down, though, I felt like I had to hold my breath to clear my ears, because you have to hold your nose and then blow. Maybe I'm just incapable of multi-tasking in this dimension, but I couldn't hold my nose, blow, and breath in/out through the regulator at the same time! That probably doesn't count as holding your breath, but it still made me a bit nervous.Soon enough we were on the sandy bottom, about 10m down. It was only then that I really felt the excitement that I was way below the surface, and still breathing air! I looked up and could see the light streaming through the water. Our dive master picked up and handed us a long (15cm), slimy, squishy black sac and held up a small whiteboard with the words "whale poo!" on it, haha! It was actually a sea cucumber, and he showed us another one that was spiky as well.As we moved on to our next spot, I realized I was shaking a bit, but when I looked at my hands, I realized it was not nerves, but the cold causing it... I was shivering! The temperature change between the surface and the bottom must have been quite subtle, but true to form, my hands had turned white, as they do whenever I'm in cold water for more than a few minutes. I either ignored it or warmed up as I started swimming more, because I didn't notice it again.The dive master next stopped to point out two playful clown fish darting in and out of the anemones. One came right up to us and nibbled on my finger when I extended it. We saw lots of other colourful fish, but I STILL think I may have seen more in Mexico! But the coral is what cannot be beat... there was just such variety in colour, shape, and formation. Mounds like small mountains, waving grass-like parts, walls that extended into the distance, and "swim-thrus" -- two sections of coral that nearly met, creating a create a tunnel or archway you could swim through if you dared (coral is rather razor-sharp, if you didn't know).The thirty-minute dive was just the right length for me. We ascended and as I popped my head above the water, I was suddenly acutely aware of how peaceful and quiet it had been below the surface. Now, the waves splashed my face and sloshed against the side of the boat, and the sound of the generator and people talking was paramount. I hadn't noticed the reverse when I entered the water, perhaps because I had so much to think about initially.

Later, at the countdown, I give Vicky a hug as her friends kiss. I wish her well as she disappears into the crowd to dance. Looking around the bar, I see no one that I’d even be interested in “topping”, apart from the bartender, and reflect that this is perhaps some of what they were reading. I’m not sexually aggressive just for the sake of being aggressive. While recounting our histories, I let slip the number of women I’d slept with (it’s a low number, single digits). The group looked somber and Vicky says, “We’ve got to get you laid.”
I thought, “No, thanks.” Certainly not with that evening’s date, although I didn’t get the sense she was interested. We danced for only a few moments, without touching, except once, briefly. She had, over the course of the evening, revealed herself to be a top interested in bondage and leather–an image I didn’t want to ponder, honestly, as she was slightly overweight in a middle-aged kind of way. At one point, she grabbed my waist and drew me to her. I danced for a moment against her, incredibly uncomfortable and about to pull away, when she released me and said, “That’s a bottom. If you were a top, you would have grabbed me.”
That was the last time we danced that evening.
In the Metro station later, I sat on a dull concrete bench and watched the others waiting for the train. Could I guess sexual preferences and gender identities from how they stood, how they dressed? Perhaps I could, but I found I preferred not to. It seemed invasive, presumptuous, to assume too much aside from what was put out for public display. I adjusted my tie for the umpteenth time that night, wondering what my intentionally public signal of masculinity said that Judith’s didn’t.
[Two notes: one, although I say "I'm a top," especially when relaying my gay boi story, I am not a die-hard adherent to sexual categories like that. Maybe that's covered under "switchy", but I prefer to think that sex is an activity which is context-sensitive, and which will, and should, vary, depending on your partner. Second, the other reason that Vicky said she thought I was trans was my jawline, which was the first time I'd heard that. She asked if I kept myself thin intentionally (I don't) and remarked that I'd have no trouble passing.]
Faith gave me a wide berth when I entered the kitchen, a hand going to her now healed neck. Willow was smiling into her cup of orange juice. I took a step towards the table and Faith threw herself out of the seat and into Willow’s lap, “Save me Willow, she’s going to eat me!”Scowling I paused, crossing my arms under my breasts and regarding her with a superior look, “You didn’t taste that good Faith, I think you’re safe.”Snickering she got up sashaying towards me and throwing her arms around my shoulders, head on my shoulder, “I’m only joking Delia don’t get all butt hurt.”I gave her a small push away from me, flipping my hair over my shoulder, I took a seat at the table pouring myself some orange juice. I felt normal, the fangs hadn’t gone away but they didn’t stick out like real Vampire fangs, so I guess I was safe. Pop had shoved his wrist in my face before he left, when I didn’t fall upon him in a hurry to get to his blood, I was deemed safe enough to go to school. Faith and Willow were instructed to keep a close eye on me.Please, like I wouldn’t be able to control myself.Ma was going to research my…new characteristics and see if there was anything to give them a clue what was happening to me. Maybe this was temporary…please, let it be temporary…We left our dishes in the sink, Willow grabbing the keys to the car before I or Faith could get to them. Pop had given us his car since he had a new one. The Toyota Camry may not be a Benz but it was in fairly good condition and not many tenth graders had cars, so that gave us a leg up on everyone else.Normally I would have argued to have the right to drive, but my eyes were hurting in the early morning light, I was squinting so hard my eyes were practically closed. I threw my Prada bag onto the seat beside me.“So…”Faith turned in her chair to stare at me, hair pulled back into a French braid, her dark eyes curious. “What exactly happened last night?”Willow turned down the radio, though her eyes were on the road I knew she was paying attention now.“I’m not sure.” I answered, “We already went through this last night.”She frowned, “But-““I don’t want to talk about it.” I cut in, “Okay? So just…Let’s just drop it okay! I don’t know what the hell is going on and I’m not turning into a vampire if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Year 2008 was a happening year for us!! We started last year in our mountain top home, surrounded by trees, deer, bears, and tranquility. That was the last time I associated tranquility with our lives!!In January, John traveled to India. He was treated like royalty, and brought back sumptuous silk saris and exotic teas, and a raging case of the tropical poops. He greeted me at the airport with a hug and spewing vomitus. The hug came first. After several MONTHS, thirty pounds lost and a new appreciation for soft toilet paper, he recovered.We celebrated Mother's Day in DC with Paul and Charlotte and had a ball. We stayed in Grand Hyatt, and walked our tootsies off. It was truly a lovely time.We took them to see the ancient documents, the National Gallery of Art, and the monuments lit up at night.For my Dad's 70th birthday, we brought him and my Mom to the Kennedy Center to hear Mahler's 2nd Symphony. We were also celebrating the end of Dad's cancer, and the chance for new beginnings. He looked so vibrant and healthy and happy. It is an image I draw from in darker days.In June, Ashley decided she had been jipped, and needed more time to be a kid. She moved in with us, as did her boyfriend Pierce. Pierce started culinary school, and Ashley went job hunting. We loved that they were with us after a long absence. We also traveled to Australia with John's student group, Ash and Pierce and Lauren. Lauren and Pierce went scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef, and we all held Koalas and petted kangaroos. Now, most folks would say, "Wow, you had a busy year!" The year was only half over. I was already pooped, and suffering from anticipatory fatigue as well. We returned from Australia, and less than 48 hours later, hopped on a plane for England and Denmark. I think we enjoyed it. It is a blur.